If you’re a human, living on planet Earth, it’s likely you’ve created a lot of stories about yourself by now, most of which do not sound uplifting or encouraging at all, in fact, the opposite. We constantly make up beliefs about ourselves that deepens further our negative stories.

It’s tempting even for myself to say that the challenging experiences we go through are exclusively responsible for the multitude of negative self-beliefs we develop. I know, however, that this is only partially true.

Beyond the shit that life occasionally sprinkles on our path, each of us comes with a foundation from early childhood.

Emotional support from early childhood plays an important role at adulthood

The truth is that most of us adults were lacking some emotional support in early childhood. Either because our parent(s) were not physically present, working their buts off to provide us with what they could best, such as clothes, food, shelter or education.                                        

Other parents were physically present doing their best to support us but often using approaches such as harsh criticism aimed to encourage us to better ourselves. Of course, some parents found a balanced approach and raised their children in a nurturing manner, but they are usually the exceptions.

In my case, I grew up with a parent, my mum, who was working two jobs to provide everything she possibly could for myself and my younger brother. In her free time, she was exhausted, irritated with little energy left to observe our emotional needs.

Consequently, as early as a child, I had a shaky sense of self. The idea that I’m worthy as a human, that I’m intrinsically valuable was too far-reaching. From this point onwards up to a reasonable period of my adulthood, I was often compromising my values, bending over my opinions to suit others, permitting others to overstep my boundaries.

Often in relationships, I ended up not meeting any of my needs, and it makes sense why; I had no fucking clue what my needs were especially emotional ones. Furthermore, I discovered that I could feel good enough as human by receiving validation from others for which in exchange, I over-delivered in everything: friendships, intimate relationships.

In my career, I was expecting myself to overachieve constantly, and I did most of the time. On the few occasions I did not, an emotional meltdown would follow, often throwing tantrums.

This coping mechanism was exhausting, draining the life out of me, and leading me to feel like double shit. Firstly because of the exhaustion and secondly, when acknowledgement from others for all the energy I had put in, was delayed in reaching me or did not come at all.

I’m glad that eventually, I came to the realisation a few years ago, that this coping mechanism was too costly to be kept in my life and started working towards making it as little as possible present in my life.

Old mechanisms may not entirely disappear but will no longer control us

Occasionally, the old coping mechanism activates itself, predominately when I meet a new person and if some relationship starts developing. The most recent opportunity I had to make use of my skills developed in the past years, was less than a week ago. Someone whom I met a few weeks ago, started pulling me into a position I was not okay to be in. After communicating what I was okay with and not and noticing that most of what I’ve put forward was either minimised or dismissed, I made a conscious decision to end any form of contact with this person.

We are consistently teaching others how to treat us and it is entirely our responsibility to communicate our boundaries. Most people are reasonable and respect our position when clearly and kindly communicated. As per the occasional ones who are not willing to be considerate, we can always minimise our contact with them or in some cases remove them from our life if necessary.

As humans, we are intrinsically worthy and come onto this planet with this right from the moment we are born; therefore, our self-worth should not be something to hustle for or to be negotiated with others.

Noticed you’ve been consistently hustling for your self-worth lately in relationships or at the workplace?

Reach out, I’d love to help you getting back in balance.